The Yearning.

The raging desire,
the yearning to bloom;
to spread my wings,
in the nurture of gloom.
Where when the darkness sings, the silence settles;
tenderly like the dewdrops, on my crimson petals.
Mere mention of day gives me jitters,
i fear the light, i dread the glitters.
-Vibhor.

THE WHISPERS OF THOSE SHADOWS..

Those scary shadows that haunt your world,
those shadows actually, are my world,
“We’re here to help, let go your fears”,
secretly they whisper in my ears.
Scary for you indeed they are,
but these fading shadows kept me sane so far. :)
-vibhor.

me trying.. :)

Ok.. so this is me trying to stay optimistic again..
& me trying to stop controlling everythng in my life...
me trying to let everything just flow..
holding on to things hurts... so i'm just trying to let go..

I should be like a hermit, I really don't need to connect myself to anyone..
I really don't need to depend upon anyone emotionally.
i'm trying to hold on to hopes.. faiths and beliefs once again..
this is me praying to be strong enough..

and i'm hoping like crazy for the God to be on my side this time.

let me cry.

nothing's going right in my life & i know things will turn worse. seriously, im losing all my hopes... my faith, my confidence, my will to fight against sadness.. im losing everything. everyday i go to bed crying.. hoping that i'll sleep and wont be able to wake up at all the next day.. hoping that everything, my whole life, should just end suddenly.... but then as always there's nothing in my life i can control.
i dont need anyone in my life right now... i really dont..
no one to ask me whats wrong, no one showing concerns or worrying for me..
i just want someone to come and let me lay down quietly, rest my head in their lap.. and make me feel safe to cry and cry for hours and hours, carefree like a baby..
someone who'll just smile & let my tears roll down..
someone who'll just stop me from speaking anything & tell me that there is really no need for me to speak... it knows , it understands..
someone with a caring hand carressing my hair tenderly while i cry... a hand which eventually make me fall ASLEEP, forever.
and may that someone be some divine existence... bcoz i've no hopes from humans and humanity, perhaps, i never had.
-vibhor.

i need...

Yes, sometimes I want to be normal like others.
But thats very rare.
Most of the time im just happy to be the way I am.
All I ever wanted was to hav one person who can help me escape the world, who can always help me ignore the existence of a world.
& that person could hav been anyone.
But I dont know may be Im wrong. Or may be im just overthinking.
I always end up feeling being used as a toy.
May be I just dont need anyone.
Everytime. Everytime I try to be normal, try connecting to people, try opening myself to someone..
everytime I try taking off my mask, try not to pretend & start introducing someone to the real me.., Life has its own way of telling me to stop, to go back to my shell & hide.
To guard myself.
To stop sharing. to stop finding a connect.
May be its time to kill the hopes.
May be there is no need to attach any strings.
May be I need to understand that the world outside & the world inside my head can never ever have a connection.
I need to respect the fact that They r two entirely different worlds.
People hurt. People use u. For them im just a toy.. a plastic toy only meant for making them feel good.
though I know they do it unknowingly.
Coz maybe this is all deep rooted in the human psyche.
I guess the need is to prevent the mask from slipping & wearing it back properly.
May be all I need is to find a way to use people to keep me happy
without being attached to them
& without hurting their feelings.
I hope someday I will.
-vibhor.

THE GRUMPY OLD MAN....... (and his teddy) :(

A busy chaotic street.
Traffic.. Screams.. people.., Noise.
A grumpy, helpless old man, barefoot..
walking across the street with a stuffed teddy in his hand.
For him there is nothing around. nothing at all.
Just a vast desert.. Lonely desert. &Scorching mid-day heat.. Heated sand, hot sandstorms
& all he knows is that he is walking through the sand.
Facing down. Disturbed, lost in his thoughts. Hopeless. defeated.
Screaming inside as loudly as he could, but from outside, he's just the silent grumpy oldman..
He keeps walking.. Too lost to care about anything.
& then that teddy in his hand drops down.
He stops. looks down at it for a moment.
& all he could see was a sad faced teddy lying in the heated sand with dirt all around. (The same teddy which was once happy cheerful & bright).
he stared at it for a little longer.
& then kicked it, he kicked his Teddy (his hopes..) with frustsation.
& then walked through his sand again.
Facing down. Disturbed, lost in his thoughts. Hopeless. defeated. Frustrated.
The same old grumpy man.... just a little more dead inside. :(
-vibhor.

may be i should. SHOULD I?

Watched aashiqui2. Yea yea I know.. The same old crap story with some pathetic acting performances. Hehe. Lets not talk about it. Lets talk about rahul jaykar aka RJ., the lead character of the movie. Its not often that I can relate to a character.. but Rj, he is equal to me. Me Minus the love or any girl problem. Its equal to me minus all his bad addictions. Yes, u must be thinking whats left in the character to talk about now. Well, watch the movie again( I know its too annoying to watch it again, but watch it for me). Watch it for the struggle he is having with himself. Watch it for the broken rahul. From the moment I started watching the movie I was so curious to come across some kind of answers or a path.. all through the movie I was waiting &Then the movie ended. & then I was like "f*ck! Suicide?" . I spent hours thinking a lot about it the whole night,& now it seems legit,justifiable, right. May be this is the only answer to all those questions.. :) and now all Im left with is "MAY BE I SHOULD.SHOULD I?"
But then hey! Im dexter morgan, how can I be soo weak! :) -vibhor!!