let me cry.

nothing's going right in my life & i know things will turn worse. seriously, im losing all my hopes... my faith, my confidence, my will to fight against sadness.. im losing everything. everyday i go to bed crying.. hoping that i'll sleep and wont be able to wake up at all the next day.. hoping that everything, my whole life, should just end suddenly.... but then as always there's nothing in my life i can control.
i dont need anyone in my life right now... i really dont..
no one to ask me whats wrong, no one showing concerns or worrying for me..
i just want someone to come and let me lay down quietly, rest my head in their lap.. and make me feel safe to cry and cry for hours and hours, carefree like a baby..
someone who'll just smile & let my tears roll down..
someone who'll just stop me from speaking anything & tell me that there is really no need for me to speak... it knows , it understands..
someone with a caring hand carressing my hair tenderly while i cry... a hand which eventually make me fall ASLEEP, forever.
and may that someone be some divine existence... bcoz i've no hopes from humans and humanity, perhaps, i never had.
-vibhor.

i need...

Yes, sometimes I want to be normal like others.
But thats very rare.
Most of the time im just happy to be the way I am.
All I ever wanted was to hav one person who can help me escape the world, who can always help me ignore the existence of a world.
& that person could hav been anyone.
But I dont know may be Im wrong. Or may be im just overthinking.
I always end up feeling being used as a toy.
May be I just dont need anyone.
Everytime. Everytime I try to be normal, try connecting to people, try opening myself to someone..
everytime I try taking off my mask, try not to pretend & start introducing someone to the real me.., Life has its own way of telling me to stop, to go back to my shell & hide.
To guard myself.
To stop sharing. to stop finding a connect.
May be its time to kill the hopes.
May be there is no need to attach any strings.
May be I need to understand that the world outside & the world inside my head can never ever have a connection.
I need to respect the fact that They r two entirely different worlds.
People hurt. People use u. For them im just a toy.. a plastic toy only meant for making them feel good.
though I know they do it unknowingly.
Coz maybe this is all deep rooted in the human psyche.
I guess the need is to prevent the mask from slipping & wearing it back properly.
May be all I need is to find a way to use people to keep me happy
without being attached to them
& without hurting their feelings.
I hope someday I will.
-vibhor.